Reasons

I've been thinking a lot about the story that you told me the other day when you sat on my bed in my room surrounded by all the purple things. None of our interactions are ordinary even the ordinary ones. 

This is You: I didn't tell you about the new woman at work?
This is Me: No, you didn't.
Then you took a deep breath, gathered your thoughts, collected your impressions, reached into our history and launched into This:

This is You again: She works 4 jobs. She just left her husband. People are mean and give her shit, you know, like they do.
This is Me: And not you, of course? You see the More that is there.
You: Yeah, well.....(always with the dot, dot, dots, leaving it to me to cull the nuances of every particle therein.)She was weepy and tearful and struggling. She was upset because her daughter, who I went to school with but was a year ahead of me, is pissed off at her for leaving her Dad. (This is when you rolled your eyes in that way that You do as if to capture the ALL of the Energy of the situation and convey it to me in the very act of Rolling.)So, I thought, Alright, then. If the Universe wants me to do this thing....(More with the dot, dot, dots because I know, at least partially, where this is going because so many of our conversations are like this with seemingly half spoken sentences fully developed in the Energy of the transmitting where no spoken words are needed.)We went out to her car to have a smoke on our break. She was a mess so I said, "This is so hard and I know that you're hurting. It will take time for your daughter to  adjust and you just need to give her that space and time to do it. When my Mother left, I hardly spoke to her for a year. She would call me and I treated her like shit. I wouldn't answer her questions. I wouldn't respond. I was pissed off. But my Mother called me every day anyway even though she would cry and cry afterwards because she wanted me to know that she was there, that she cared and that it was okay for me to be feeling all my feelings. I was eleven at the time and your daughter is 21 so it won't take her as long because she has more maturity than I did. She has more resources. But my point is, sometimes it just takes time to sort out the difference between your parent's relationship with each other and their relationship with you." She said, "You are so wise for someone so young." 

This is Me: ........
This is You: .........

And now I sit here reflecting not just on this interchange between us but where I am right now in my life, in my mind, in my soul, in my heart. All the Alchemy of that time transforming not only me but you and your sister as well. It was such a seemingly Dark Time so filled with Emotional Pain and Angst for all of us. Broken Hearts were scattered all around. Tattered and Worn Out Beliefs sprinkled the air like Choking Ash. Through the Pain that Takes Your Breath Away, I focused on the depths of Soul and Connection beneath the Anguish. I focused my mind forward like a TimeTraveler. I knew with a Certainty of Knowing from some other Source inside myself, for there was NO ONE to advise me; I was alone and rejected, abandoned and forsaken by all who claimed to have loved me. And even the Person who claimed to Love me in that Time of Change would question why I was putting myself through that Daily Phone Call of Hell. She would say that you were little bitches for the way you were treating me and that I was your Mother for Fuck's Sake and what was wrong with you!? "What I do now is about what comes later." My voice would crack and oftentimes felt little above a whisper. "This isn't just about ME. This is about them. They have every right to be pissed at me," I would affirm. "I LEFT them and all the reasons don't matter one bit to them. Not now. Maybe never. What matters, and even if it doesn't show, is that they will KNOW in the depths of their Souls,  when they look back at this time they will be able to say with certainty, 'She called every single day no matter what." Love is in what you do more than it is in what you say. And it's true that I would bawl my eyes out after each one of these Torturous Events but never once did I waver in my conviction that this was what was right for me, for us, to pave the way for this very conversation.

And for some reason, now, reaching back into the Awful to pull out this precious gem of Truth with such substance to so powerfully share with another Soul suffering Anguish just seems to fold the pieces together in some kind of Cosmic Full Circle Completion.  There's something about it's  being YOU doing the sharing that increases its efficacy because this isn't just my story....it's OUR story.


These are our Reasons.

This is You: Okay, so, sorry for talking your ear off.
This is Me Laughing: Oh, anytime. That's what I'm here for. Thanks for sharing that with me.