A Mother's Worry

I worry that you are losing part of your childhood too soon....
I worry that you you are lost and don't know who to turn to...
I worry that you will wonder why I am the way I am and never dig any deeper to find out...I worry that you don't love yourself enough...I worry that you will never trust yourself the way that you could...I worry that you will never expect more of yourself than this world does...I worry that you will lose your heart inside yourself and never fully give it to anyone...I worry that you will be too afraid to delve into the depths of your soul to discover what your reason truly is...I worry that you will always hide behind the tresses of gold and amber that shape your face and conceal your tears...I worry because of the love and the belief and the love and the tears and the love and the fear and the love and need and the love and the knowing....and I worry because I wonder at all my ineptitude and faults...I worry that where I fail you will fall because I did not clear the path quickly enough...I worry because I don't know everything and I worry because that's what I do...I worry about you in all that you don't know...yet...and I worry about you in all of the too much that you know....and I worry because worry comes easy to me in these times of transition and growth...and I worry that I don't really understand what I think I understand about your heart and your needs and your pain and your past and your future and your fears and the tears you hate to shed...I worry because that's what I do when I don't know what else to do...and I worry in my own tears for all that I will never be as you grow and grow and grow away from me...and I worry that one of us will die before I can truly convey to you the very core of my feeling for you...and I worry that you will never know just how much you mean to me and I worry that you will never know how deeply sorry I am for all the ways I've hurt you...all the ways that I've failed you and will yet fail you because that's one thing I don't worry about....the fact that I will fail and fail again....but the things I worry about swirl around me in the autumn light like the breeze that carries the day away...waning into night where we can hide all that has come before...and I worry that all I know you are meant to be will elude us in these times of change and choice and wonder...it's never enough for me to just say 'I love you...' because it's all so much more than that...deeper, richer, longer, neater...messier, needier...

The things I worry about...when worry turns to words and the words become emotion and emotion becomes this undeniable bond between us...forever and ever and ever and worry gives way to the freedom of love and trust and being and knowing....and worry gives way to open and going and doing and discovering and giving and believing all that is right for you in your life...

And you know all of this in those nooks and crannies you shy away from inside your soul....and I wonder....what do you worry about?

September 2007