ThanksGiving

So, how was grammy?


Ok...so we chatted...the cna reminded her that she had been looking forward to my coming. Mom hugged me and smelled me and said, "mmmmm, you smell so good..."


You always smell good.

I said, "Do you recognize that smell? " and she said, "Yes, yes I do."

jean revengogogngong

I said do you know what it is and she said, "It smells like home."

:(

I know!  That put a big LUMP in my throat. We chatted a bit more. I tried drawing her out. Asked about her dreams. Asked if she'd been dreaming of her sister. Did she remember her sister's name and she said, "yes, I do...Diane."  I said,  "Have you been seeing Diane and she said no but I think she's been trying to come to see me and I don't know why she isn't." The thing is, Mom doesn't really finish sentences so I'm filling in, k?

K

I said that Diane tries to visit from the other side. "The other side?" Mom was puzzled. "Why is she on the other side?"  I said, "Because she died...." OMG, Phoebe, it was awful....she looked stricken...she didn't KNOW!

Did she cry?

She didn't KNOW that her sister was dead...she started to cry. I put my arms around her and held her and stroked her and told her it was okay.

Oh, and she was probably wondering why she hadn't come to see her....

I told her Diane was an angel...that her angels were all around her. I knew that she would forget again in a matter of moments. But I wouldn't. More lumps grew in my wind pipe.

Did you cry?

So, after comforting her some more, she said, "You smell so good..."  (My crying comes later in the story...you're getting ahead...)


 Sorry. (little zipping lip emoticon inserted here)

So we talked about the je reviens....and I told her the story of how she told me how they made perfume. I said, "You told me, when I was about 13, that perfume was made from ambigrus...the really good perfumes anyway. And then you asked me if I knew what ambrigrus was and when I said no, you got a glint in your eye and said, 'Whale Vomit!'"

(whale vomit...yuck)

And we both ROARED with laughter! That's when they came to get us for Turkey...

(i miss her)

Yes...and she's not really 'there'....but it's odd how her sense of humor remains...she does't remember the story so it's like she's hearing it for the first time!  She remembers you....she gets a far away look when I mention you and she says your name all soft...."Phoebe."

(when her laughter sounded in my head, it made me miss her more.....)


I know...I know....it's like I can jump start it a bit...it'doesn't last. So, we went and ate turkey. It's like a movie. All the old people, some with family, some not. Some in wheel chairs, some wrapped in blankets...pissed the fuck off!

lol

Fucking crazy asshole family members talking absolute rot!  Even Mom in her mental fugue was rolling her eyes at that guy!

There's always gotta be at least one!

At least....all the staff so focused on feeding everyone....working...YOU KNOW!  Mom ate all her creamed peas! Creamed peas, Phoebe! I said to her,"Did you have those as a child? Did your Mom make them?"

Does not sound pleasant.

She said yes...I said you NEVER made creamed peas for us. It was weird...Lura, a lady in a wheel chair at our table said, I didn't like the peas at all! I made a face and said, I didn't either! Lura said, But I liked the pie! Mom then started folding stuff absentmindedly....folding napkins, tissues,  tissues into napkins...this odd blank look on her face. She tried to fold the drinking glass into the napkin. I could hardly breathe.  So, I took her back to her room. She was so tired by now. I massaged her back for a while, in the quiet, in the unlit room then I tucked her into her nest and covered her with a soft blanket, hugged her and kissed her, and told her that I loved her. Then I turned her radio on to soft music and floated out of there on a puffy, puce colored cloud of dissociation.  The stupid asshole guy's wife preceded me because she needed to smoke; tried chatting me up. I said Happy Thanksgiving. I went and fed Cameron's cat. Drove home...I think....listening to the two new songs on my Pink cd in the parking lot.Ii couldn't get out of the car. I just started to cry.  And I cried and I cried and I cried.


(i'm still ) (insert finger over the mouth emoticon here)

And then I was done crying....put my glasses back one, came upstairs, lit a bunch of candles...and here I am...chatting to you after eating a whoopie pie from Tracy's house.

(i know this is part of the process, cry some more if you need to, don't swallow the lump)

I'm just drained...drained and processing this odd space and time...

I wish i was there with you.

Yeah on the other side of the couch beneath the lamby blanket, the tissues are on the back of the couch!

Good, we won't have to get up and get them!

LOL

Oliver glaring at me from the other couch, for taking his spot!

I know it may not look it to the outside shallow world, but Phoebe....we're doing pretty damned good...He has the purple satin blanket beneath him.

Will Ackerman soothing us in the background in a continuous loop.

He was dreaming and yipping in his sleep...so cute.
Aw, i miss him and his smelly self!

And so it goes, as it often does, with these things. This is life. This is family. Just one conversation in a steady stream of conversations where we are interconnected no matter the distance or the circumstances. We are all in this together. Isn't that what Family is?