Living History

I said, I sometimes wish things could have been more like I dreamed it could be. I sometimes miss what could have been. Then you said, What could've been is always missed because that is what we really fall in love with, and broken hearts are just failed could've beens. And I think about the magnitude of the depth of your insight. I reflect on its brilliance before adding, I miss the caustic laughter that made my sides ache. As if with a sigh you typed, Yeah, we had fun while it lasted. It makes me so sad sometimes...and I feel a lump in my throat. I know you understand in that unique to you way. You say,  Me too....You know better than anyone... It was so easy to see that I had to leave and it broke me into pieces, into fragments, shattered me...but it's the way it had to be.... It's hard because you start to let go of the could be and try so hard to shove yourself into the should be, and then something pulls you back out again, back towards what would've been...and it's with tunnel vision and if the shoe were opposite....you were so RIGHT to challenge me because it dislodged some of what was locked inside of me, repressed.  It helped me to see where the real love was. You had the courage to help me see, to be free....maybe real love isnt taking a bullet for somebody, maybe its being willing to shoot them in the foot so that they will have to let you help them...and it's powerful, vibrant, beautiful and brave....Mom, everything that you say about hilary and me, you need to turn around and say to yourself....and then you went on to add:
Phoebe (6:10 PM): here is an assignment for you: write yourself a journal entry, and talk to yourself, help yourself through something the way you would hilary, or me, or ashlin or sally or anybody else that you love and admire and respect. pull yourself out of you and write to the part of you that is always crying, and pull yourself up out of the corner you hide in in your mind. stretch those legs, open your eyes and listen to yourself. tell yourself to uncross your arms from your chest and breathe. describe how much strength it took to get where you are. how much courage it takes to stay where you are. smile at yourself and take little hiding heather away from the comfort of where the two walls meet and to the door......
Heather (6:11 PM): You should be a therapist.....
Phoebe (6:11 PM): let her know that it's your turn to cry, and thank her for being strong in the corner with her back to the walls that hold both of you up. but tell her it's okay to leave that hurting room, it's okay to not go back.
Tell HER that she is beautiful and that she is vibrant and courageous and that she can do anything....tell her everything she ever needed to hear, everything she knows is true. She's ready....YOU'RE ready.....
Heather (6:16 PM): I plan to save this to reread it....so insightful.
Phoebe (6:17 PM): well i just think that you don't give yourself enough credit....you are why me and hilary are the way we are
Heather (6:17 PM): muah... I love you so much.
Phoebe (6:19 PM): i love you too....
 
And this is a living history. One conversation of so many conversations. Pages and pages and words upon words and love upon love and all that we are, all that we've been through...the all that we are to each other through the chaos and turmoil...through the tears and the laughter...connection and loyalty and determination and devotion...gifts we give to each other....living  and breathing life into this history, this journey.
 
I am surrounded by the love I've made...and I've made some really great love, all soft and squishy and so very strong in all the important places....Their names are Hilary and Phoebe.
 
Namaste, my Darlings!