Tender Reflection

I was talking to Pati today about part of my journey. Funny how that happens sometimes. I was telling her funny stories about Phoebe from when she was little. Phoebe and I had just read most of her "BabyBook", really, more a journal. Oh, how we laughed, tears streaming down our faces. At one point Phoebe stopped and said, "And I always thought Hilary was the dramatic one!"

Phoebe's book comes to an abrupt halt. The last entry is dated January 18, 2003. It is amazing the all that I put us through. All the twists and turns that make up a life. All the broken promises, scattered dreams, vanquished beliefs shattered on the pummeling waves of change.

I have very few regrets. From then to now, I have answered so many of my questions. I have salved, repaired, healed wounds deep and vast so as to have rendered me barely breathing. I've laughed and cried at the same time. I've pushed through the pain of lost love. I've risen to meet the challenges in growing belief in myself. I've come to more fully embrace my conviction that love is love is love. All the love I've left behind is a lot! And yet, I am not diminished in the efficacy of my seemingly endless stores of love. The more you give the more you have to give. The more you love the more love you have to give and the more love you give the more you will love. Really.

Every moment was worth it. Here we are...now.

Tonight, Phoebe, Hilary, Ashlin and I went to the grocery store together. We meandered through the store. Hilary and Ashlin had one of those big numbers with the little car on the front. I had a regular carriage and Phoebe had a little hand basket. Up and down the aisles we traipsed. I made them pose for pictures that I attempted to take with my phone. There we stood all poised, in the aisle while I fumbled to take a photo with my new phone, but to no avail. Twice they acquiesced to my wishes and then they said no more. It wasn't meant to be. And yet the picture is here, in my head, and I know it's in their heads as well. They humored me good humoredly! It was delightful. And when we got separated by rows of chips and ice cream and then met up once again over by the pizza, Ashlin would squeal, "Goigy! Goigy! There she is!"

We checked out, one, two, three, Ashlin eating Rolo's contentedly. We exited into the cool April night and headed to our not so neatly but oh- so-cute cars parked one next to the other, one, two, three. There mine was, sandwiched between their bigger, more protective cars. We stowed our goods. Then we were a conglomeration of arms and hair, hugging and laughing and thanking.

I smiled all the way home. This little Mommy went to Market. One, Heather; Two, Hilary; Three, Phoebe and Four makes Ashlin....We are such a far cry from the sullen, angry, angst ridden, discordant trio that we once were all those years ago during the years of emancipation and silent treatments.

Segue....

I wrote this for Phoebe in June of 2003. I entered it into her "BabyBook", skipping a page following the previous so called last entry. This is now the last entry....Let's call it TenderReflection.

"She closes her heart silent in protection,
safe inside childhood reflection
Clasping a golden key shimmering in the summer sun
warm in dappled light
Each memory fragmented with laughter
are the tender moments
locked behind steely walls of Preservation
She is closing her mind
in quiet protest turning her back
to hide unshed tears brimming her dark eyes
Residual resiliance born in her strength
Character reshaped
Reformed
Her sense of self redefined
in silent protection
safe inside childhood reflection..."