I feel you here in your spot....the place where your emotion resides in my chest. Your ache is so visceral and painful...your loss and your longing and your fears and your questions...your sorrows abound. Each day is a struggle and no one knows how hard it is to be you. We have ventured onward in different directions....away from the course we were on not so very long ago. Time and distance come between us now. What was is no longer. Sad. True. And I question what was real...what part of you, of us, was real? I so believed in you. I so believed in your inherent goodness and beauty. I believed in the words of love that you professed to me and now I question my own understandings and insights. What I miss is what I thought we had. What I miss is the love that swirled around us in laughter and grace. The way the music and the words joined together to become one...the way that we could, when we looked into each others eyes...into each others souls. It felt so very real to me and I miss that. But...was it an illusion? Were you an illusion? The music wasn't an illusion. The energy of the music wasn't an illusion. What happened to us and why did we lose that? Where did it go? We were beautiful then and I grieve the loss of what I believed in. I can feel your sorrow. I can't find it inside myself to be sorry. I'm too disappointed in my disillusionment. How can I be sorry for saving myself? How can I be sorry for reaching back into my past to attempt to retrieve my children? To make amends to the man who had stood at my side through all the shit I put him through? I am forever changed because of you and my love for you was so....unique and simple...trusting...You often said that you were not who I thought you were. I thought you were you....deep, passionate, intense, complicated, firey, discontent, angry, brave, talented, kind, thoughtful, full of shit sometimes, crazy beautiful in all your complexities...I loved you. I loved you so much....and I am sad from the loss of you. I am sad from the loss of us. I am sad from the loss of my dreams and hopes and our future...it has evaporated into thin air. We didn't even make it three years. What this teaches me? Love is not enough. Love is love and it is unique to each individual relationship. It isn't just about giving love. I always thought it was. It is about receiving. The love I received from you was....exaggerated somehow. It was off kilter, like you. You thought loving me would make all the difference in your life. Now, as you reflect...how much of a difference did my love actually make? How are you better for my loving you; from your loving me? "I wish I could quit you"...inside my soul. I think what I missed was something that was not ever real...it was just a manifestation of your desire to be what I needed and wanted...how could you maintain that? You couldn't. No one can live for long atop a pedastle. We had each other there. How do I come to peace in our closure? I wish I knew. I wish I could quit you. This unhealthy situation....so tired of it...and I know you are too. So complicated and sad, all of it. And so, we go on, you and I. You go that way and I go this way. Where I will end up...doesn't really matter...I just have today to worry about. Know this: I loved you...I truly loved you. And when you called me Sweetbaby, I felt one with you.....